Pistol Whipped - And Brain Dead, Too

Nov

1

Pistol Whipped - And Brain Dead, Too

≡ Category: Action, Movie Reviews By Country, Not Worth Your Time, United States |
≅ Written by: Michael Kydonieus

Country: United States
Genre: Action
Director: Roel Reiné
Year: 2008

Rating:

NOT WORTH YOUR TIME

Yes, I know Pistol Whipped is a direct to DVD Steven Seagal special, but it didn’t need to be this bad. Frankly, I’m losing my patience with incompetent moviemaking. The filmmakers behind Pistol Whipped had a lot going for them, like a budget, for one thing. They had money for squibs, explosive charges, vehicle stunts, and solid character actors like Lance Henriksen, Paul Calderon, and Arthur J. Nascarella. Even the premise has some potential.

Matt (Steven Seagal) is a self hating loser who got thrown off the police force for stealing money from the evidence locker. Ever since, he’s drowned himself in a sea of booze and gambled away his daughter’s college fund.

The Old Man (Lance Henriksen) buys all of Matt’s gambling debts (a little better than a cool mil) and makes him a proposition. Become a hitman to work off your debts. You see, before Matt was a cop, he was special ops over in Europe (or something) and he’s got mad skills in Aikido and gunfu.

Alright, I’ll admit it’s a cheesy premise, but it’s got possibilities. It would be a cinch to write a scenario around this concept that has plenty of action in it. There’s potential for twists. I’ve also got a weakness for scripts about self-hating losers who eventually redeem themselves.

But dammit, you have to write a real script, not this trash heap of cliches, bald-faced exposition, and puerile foul language by screenwriter J.D. Zeik. It’s insultingly lazy. We never really learn about the relationships between the main characters. Implausible events occur every minute or so. Considering that Steven Seagal is supposed to be a hotshot martial artist, it’s odd that he looks like a bloated turd with a dingleberry toupee. Granted, he’s supposed to be washed up in the story, but it’s a bit of a handicap to have an action hero that can barely move.

The action sequences are insultingly bad. I mean, the whole point of a movie like Pistol Whipped is the action scenes. Hong Kong filmmakers used to be able to create compelling gunplay and hand to hand combat sequences from chewing gum and lint. I can’t believe these filmmakers couldn’t find a decent action choreographer or two from Asia to spruce things up.

The filmmakers blow practically every setup. For example, one villain says, “I can’t believe I’m going to die in a graveyard.” Steven Seagal says “Would you like to be buried or cremated?” The guy answers “Buried,” and dies. Then Seagal throws him in a hearse, blows it up and says, “Well, you’re cremated now.” So much time passes between the setup and the punchline that it loses every last bit of juice. How easy would it have been for Seagal’s character to throw the bad guy into the hearse right after he answers “Buried,” burn him to death, and then say the punchline? That would have been worth at least a half-hearted chuckle.

Just because you’re making an action programmer for the rental market doesn’t mean you can’t make a competent little shitkicker, but you have to care. I mean, at one point, a smoking hot waitress picks up Steven Seagal in a bar. Come on — a sloppy drunk fifty-five year old woman with tits sagging to her knees and facial pores you could drive a truck through wouldn’t give it up for Steven Seagal.

I rest my case.